It has been a long time since I've posted, which I do sympathize to
the *gulp* 23 of you who read my blog or have it on a feed. I should
write a bit, however, on some of the rather major changes that have
come about as I reach 42 years of age this June. It has been a very
interesting few months, especially since my girl and I have reached
yet another wonderful time of flow.
I had last wrote about a perceived disconnect between her and I, which
many of you responded to - thank you. In the end, the real disconnect
was in our ability to actually say what we were really thinking - once
she was able to give voice to her thoughts, I was able to see what she
was thinking and feeling and understand. The good point to all of that
was that we were indeed on the same page. Just as I feel like being an
Owner is just as much a part of me, in a manner that my gender is
always a part of me - so it is with her being property. The issue she
was trying to give voice to was how she struggles with her own
self-image and how that affects her. The foundation is good, but the
winds blow sometimes and it makes her feel shakey.
I returned in early June from a lengthy trip which tested us both. I
went on a 14 day survival school course. No communication with my
girl, no cell phone, email, letters - nothing. I spent 14 days in the
southeastern Utah desert and my girl spent the time at home. We had
been preparing for this time. It was extremely important for me to go,
even though I knew that it would not be fun for her or my family to be
without me for that period of time.
It's hard to describe what I went through - I believe that even though
today marks a month since the course ended, I can't come up with a
cogent description of how it affected me. I can say that there were no
single big epiphanies, but many, many smaller realizations and changes.
Reducing myself to basic survival status: water, shelter and food
stripped away the distractions and the layers of what essentially was
little lies to myself. I had to look at myself and measure myself up
to both the task of survival and the measure of what I was and who I
was. In many ways, I was proud of what I found and there were things
that I wasn't proud of. I had to look at what stripping away those
distractions revealed about me.
I've come back a changed Man. I think I left parts of me in the desert
that deserved to be left and I brought something back.
The biggest change is realizing just how lazy I had become. I had
become lazy, complacent, allowing the excuse of 'real life' to become
the reason to be lazy. I am very fond of saying that 'life is tough
and not supposed to be all about fun' but I wasn't fully walking the
talk. I wasn't living up to the goals and ideals that I thought I held
myself to. That's changed quite a bit now, and for the better. Call it
a reinvigoration, or a realization of just what was possible. I don't
think my girl quite knows what has hit her some days, but it's been a
very good thing. Attention to detail, effort to do the things that we
both enjoy, actual activities that one associates with owning
property, exploration of darker and edgier things.
It was just too easy to fall into that trap, and now that I've removed
myself from it, I think I have to think about how not to fall into it
in the future. I think that something that helps is to just set small
goals and reach for them. My survival course was always about
surviving all 14 days, but each day was about reaching the campsite.
Each hour was about getting to the next hour. Each step was about
taking the next step. I had my pack on my back. I had water. I could
get food, make fire, set up shelter. Just take that next step. And the
next, and the next....
Same with the laziness. I may not be able to set up the weekend of
'wee'. I may not be able to get rid of the kids, or to have an evening
free of exhaustion and worry - but there are things to be done, and
property to exercise and things to explore and no reason or excuse to
not do them. I'm finding that what I once viewed as 'things I wish I
could if it weren't for "real life"' are indeed easy enough to have
and explore - I just had to lose the complacency.
We've suddenly discovered quite a dark and nasty streak to all this,
which I'm not quite yet ready to explore on this journal, although if
some of you know me from the CollarMe IRC server, you've become quite
familiar with them. We're starting to reach out again socially and
find out it's not quite as bad as my fears and experiences previous
had led me to believe.
Life is good. It took 14 days of extreme discomfort to discover how
good, but having learned the lesson, I'm not going to soon forget it.
I have more to write about, but I will leave that for another time.
Maybe that means I'll post more than once every three months.