Painful exposure

People in the "scene" can be extremely hurtful. They do these things because it amuses them or boosts their ego. They do it to exercise their "power" or they find an outlet to enable their problems and issues under the guise of Dominant or slave.

I've been through this, in such a hurtful way that I said "fuck it" to the so-called scene. A group of people thought they would abuse trust in their own self interests and abuse of power. People that I called friend, and trusted, turned around and hurt me badly.

It's only now that I am starting to take tiny steps back outside and try to be done with the hurt. I embrace the things that I do have - a wonderful woman who is my property; a strong healthy belief and mindset that has carried me through trials and tribulations; and the experience and seasoning that has taught me valuable lessons.

The only rub to coming back out into the "scene" is that these people litter the local scene like cockroaches and to see them is like smelling a skunk on a pleasant summer evening. It's a constant reminder, like a nettle, that just rubs and annoys me. Its just been easier for me to simply exclude them from my life, but once again, they're here and I find myself having to make unpleasant choices because of how active they are here and elsewhere.

It's a shame because I like pleasant environments and to have those sad, angry feelings is not pleasant. Although I choose not to give them power to drive me away again, I also just don't want to be associated with them. I've already had to make choices limiting how much I reveal of myself and the places that I will get involved in; I remember a saying my Gramma taught me: "If you play with the dogs, you get covered in fleas..."

So I'm going to have to evaluate further how I choose to approach being more public.

Stress and dealing with it, plus some new places

It's been a few weeks of trials and tribulations. I've lost my job, found another one. We've had family drama to the extreme, to where we've had to take in another child for the time being.

Naturally, this puts a great deal of stress on our little flow and circumstances. Before, I think this would have put things to a halt. Now, it's required a balance of not pushing her into failure mode, but also still keeping things on an even keel, consistent foundation. That's one of the hardest things to maintain in times like this - the correct balance between enough consistency/bedrock, but not pushing her into a mode where she can't succeed in anything. It's not coddling as it is understanding that property has limits - just like a car can't be redlined too much or you'll blow the engine - a human has limits.

Our communication has become incredible lately. We've been approached by a submissive who saw us playing at a private party and would like to play with us. This has generated a great deal of discussion. When we first started out, I wasn't really interested in poly or swapping, but as time has gone on, this has started to come out. I used to do it a lot with the public scene - go to a club, trade girls, beat them all, go home and have fun.

The sadism for me is a sacred space. I can just beat someone on a low energy level and have fun, but to go deep and do the things I do to my girl requires a lot of energy and connections. It's a two way street - she gives and takes and I give and take. Hard to explain.

So I have the final decision. It's my call, but my girl is also the alpha property. That's the way it works - and I have come to value her innate knowledge of people. She's also allowed to tell me how she feels and what she thinks. I know the responsibility for property as well as accepting responsibility for the outcome. If I put two women together who are not going to work out, all the beatings and "you will deal with it" in the world won't make them work it out. And that's just a lot of drama that I don't want.

So I look at how it will go with her and where her head's at and it goes into the equation of What I Want. That's a tough equation, because I want my cake, and it served on a silver platter by a bevy of naked women... but then, I also know reality isn't fantasy and that reality is going to rule the day.

So we've found a great deal of good communication about where we are and what we want. It's been a good experience for us, because we've started taking steps into places that I think are in my "box" that I haven't taken out. Partially because I'm not sure they should be taken out, and partially because I don't understand them yet. That kinda all rolled onto me the last few days. That'll be a fun discussion to have. *chuckle*

Ownership and punishment

So the Apocalypse might happen, I'm posting twice in a week.

My girl and I went to an impromptu party planned in our munch group.
It has been a long time since I've done anything in that type of
environment. It was nice, and much needed. For awhile, I forgot
everyone else was there and had a wonderful flow with my girl.

My girl and I 'hosted' the discussion at this month's munch with the
aforemented group. It was on the D/lg (or ageplay, or Big/little)
aspect to our relationship. It was the first time in a long time that
I've done anything like that as well, and the subject made me a bit
nervous. The majority of responses I get to that phrase accuses me of
something akin to pedophilia or incest - neither of which are an
aspect of the energy we share. If I had to label it, the 'Big/little'
phrase would fit most accurately.

In anyrate, the discussion took a surprising turn towards discipline,
which made me step back a moment. In our 'Big/little' space,
punishment isn't even thought of. It would take awhile and a lot of
handwaving to explain that. I was surprised enough that it's sat on my
mind for a few days.

It seems like the topic of punishment comes up a lot, whether people
talk about D/s or Owner/property, or similar relationships. I wonder
why - when it seems that there is so much more to think about.

I find punishments necessary and distasteful. I use them for their
purpose, quickly, concisely and to the point, and then it's done. I
don't like to rehash (a common mistake that I used to make quite a bit
when I was younger). I don't like to delay consequence or correction,
unless the delay adds to the effectiveness. I also don't like to use
punishments that are meanspirited, petty or punishments for the sake
of punishments.

Still, there is quite a bit of angst and thought and goaround about
the subject. I've seen quite a few couples struggle with this, both
how to do it and how to deal with it. I can safely say that for My
Ownership, it's a small, necessary thing that is dealt with and taken
care of when needed, but not something I need or care to obsess over.
After struggling with owning the wrong type of property, I learned to
find the right girl for me - and I did. I don't need a heavy hand with
her all the time. She tries and the vast majority of the time she
succeeds in pleasing me and doing what I ask. I think being in a
relationship where punishment was a major part of the dynamic would
weary me to the point of saying "it's not worth it."

Punishment gets fetishized and fantasized about - and I suppose that
is fair enough - perhaps thats why it gets so much attention. I've
tried very hard, though, to separate what is "fun" versus what is
serious - if I do ever need to punish, I want to be sure that the
point is made.

Lessons learned

It has been a long time since I've posted, which I do sympathize to
the *gulp* 23 of you who read my blog or have it on a feed. I should
write a bit, however, on some of the rather major changes that have
come about as I reach 42 years of age this June. It has been a very
interesting few months, especially since my girl and I have reached
yet another wonderful time of flow.

I had last wrote about a perceived disconnect between her and I, which
many of you responded to - thank you. In the end, the real disconnect
was in our ability to actually say what we were really thinking - once
she was able to give voice to her thoughts, I was able to see what she
was thinking and feeling and understand. The good point to all of that
was that we were indeed on the same page. Just as I feel like being an
Owner is just as much a part of me, in a manner that my gender is
always a part of me - so it is with her being property. The issue she
was trying to give voice to was how she struggles with her own
self-image and how that affects her. The foundation is good, but the
winds blow sometimes and it makes her feel shakey.

I returned in early June from a lengthy trip which tested us both. I
went on a 14 day survival school course. No communication with my
girl, no cell phone, email, letters - nothing. I spent 14 days in the
southeastern Utah desert and my girl spent the time at home. We had
been preparing for this time. It was extremely important for me to go,
even though I knew that it would not be fun for her or my family to be
without me for that period of time.

It's hard to describe what I went through - I believe that even though
today marks a month since the course ended, I can't come up with a
cogent description of how it affected me. I can say that there were no
single big epiphanies, but many, many smaller realizations and changes.

Reducing myself to basic survival status: water, shelter and food
stripped away the distractions and the layers of what essentially was
little lies to myself. I had to look at myself and measure myself up
to both the task of survival and the measure of what I was and who I
was. In many ways, I was proud of what I found and there were things
that I wasn't proud of. I had to look at what stripping away those
distractions revealed about me.

I've come back a changed Man. I think I left parts of me in the desert
that deserved to be left and I brought something back.

The biggest change is realizing just how lazy I had become. I had
become lazy, complacent, allowing the excuse of 'real life' to become
the reason to be lazy. I am very fond of saying that 'life is tough
and not supposed to be all about fun' but I wasn't fully walking the
talk. I wasn't living up to the goals and ideals that I thought I held
myself to. That's changed quite a bit now, and for the better. Call it
a reinvigoration, or a realization of just what was possible. I don't
think my girl quite knows what has hit her some days, but it's been a
very good thing. Attention to detail, effort to do the things that we
both enjoy, actual activities that one associates with owning
property, exploration of darker and edgier things.

It was just too easy to fall into that trap, and now that I've removed
myself from it, I think I have to think about how not to fall into it
in the future. I think that something that helps is to just set small
goals and reach for them. My survival course was always about
surviving all 14 days, but each day was about reaching the campsite.
Each hour was about getting to the next hour. Each step was about
taking the next step. I had my pack on my back. I had water. I could
get food, make fire, set up shelter. Just take that next step. And the
next, and the next....

Same with the laziness. I may not be able to set up the weekend of
'wee'. I may not be able to get rid of the kids, or to have an evening
free of exhaustion and worry - but there are things to be done, and
property to exercise and things to explore and no reason or excuse to
not do them. I'm finding that what I once viewed as 'things I wish I
could if it weren't for "real life"' are indeed easy enough to have
and explore - I just had to lose the complacency.

We've suddenly discovered quite a dark and nasty streak to all this,
which I'm not quite yet ready to explore on this journal, although if
some of you know me from the CollarMe IRC server, you've become quite
familiar with them. We're starting to reach out again socially and
find out it's not quite as bad as my fears and experiences previous
had led me to believe.

Life is good. It took 14 days of extreme discomfort to discover how
good, but having learned the lesson, I'm not going to soon forget it.

I have more to write about, but I will leave that for another time.
Maybe that means I'll post more than once every three months.

Places and perceptions

It's been awhile since I've had something to chew over that I felt was
worth sharing here. Most of the time, I find myself thinking "I wonder
if I should share that" and I don't. Mainly, it's a reluctance to
either repeat myself or say something that someone else has already
said.

A common theme that has run through discussions that mine and I have
had lately has been the perception of place. When we talk of things,
she often speaks in expressions that give a sense she sees her place
as something that comes and goes, that its somewhat of an external or
separate feeling of being property vs being 'her'. It's not that she's
feeling unowned, but that she doesn't feel this sense of ownership as
a 'primary' thing that is always felt or present, or always the top
priority in her life. I'm using my interpretation of her words here,
because the conversations would be difficult to retype. It's as if she
needs outside stimulus to help enhance and keep that feeling in the
back of her head, versus a knowledge of her place, much like her
knowledge that she's a female.

I have no complaints of her or how she acts. The bottom line is that
she serves and she acts within her place. She's a good girl, she's
pleasing and I'm satisfied. Still, I'm curious about how we could see
things so differently.

I see myself as an Owner in the same vein that I see myself as a Man.
I don't stop being a Man. I may not be shouting every minute of every
day "I'M A MAN!!" but it's something that just is. I am not always
doing things exclusive to being a Man, but it's still there, it still
colors each and every action I take. Just as being an Owner colors
each and every interaction and action I have.

I think it reflects perhaps a difference in how we see ourselves or
how we've internalized what we are. To her, I think that slavery is
still something that is a part of who she is, but she sees it as a
'part' of herself versus seeing it as simple an indistinguishable
attribute of who she is, much like her gender is. To me, being an
Owner is like having a gender. It is, I am.

I think that is why I find myself shying away from people who feel the
need to display their kink 24/7 for all to see. I think it's why I
have a hard time relating to people online/facetoface who are all
'OMGWEEPONIES!' about wiitwd. It's like getting excited about being a
specific race or gender. It is. I am. That's not to say I'm 'better'
than they, but that I have a hard time relating to the singular focus
people give to being Owner/owned. It is. I am. I own a car. I own a
house, a dog, etc. and I own a human being. It is.

What do you think?

----

I am leaving in two days for a 14 day survival school field course.
It's a voluntary adventure at the Boulder Outdoor Survival School.
Call it a spirit quest, call it a crazy jaunt, but I'm doing it. It
should be very interesting.

EO

My MOTD...

Begging is more about the state of mind, than the words or actions of
someone begging.

A quick thought or two on evolution

I 'caught up' on some of my older blogger friends last night - I was
suprised to find one went permission only, one has moved on, and one
is starting to go quiet. I'm certainly an example of how things
evolve, change and grow. I use this space as a type of 'proving
ground' and a way to share things that affect me and my ownership -
but as a daily blog, I think it would become quickly boring.

I think that is one of the things that often happens as people explore
this lifestyle - there's the 'wee' or NRE time - everything is new,
it's all fascinating and one devotes a lot of time and energy into
making it fit. Then reality, as always, sets in and one finds out just
what this all means. I haven't seen an example where someone starts
out and ends up in the same place that they imagined being.

For me, things have taken on a type of flow lately - my job situation
changed and that leaves me less time to do all the things I need to
do. My girl and I have reached a good level and understanding of how
things need to flow in our house for me to be pleased. I've learned
what is realistic and what is not. *chuckle*

These are good things, though - it's an internalization. And yet, I
feel something in the back of my head starting to niggle - I like to
push a bit at these times and see what will happen. I think I'm
getting to another one of those pushes again. I wonder if it has to do
with spring...